Hind Site

When I was younger I always had a picture in my head, as most do, of what I saw my life somewhat turning out like. I never had a serious plan, rather just a loose idea of what I wanted it to be. I wanted to meet "the one" in my early 20's. I wanted us to be broke, but driven to accomplish anything and everything! I wanted to struggle financially with this man. I wanted us to live in a tiny, yet cozy, place and learn of one another, annoy one another, lean on one another, need, adore, love, care for, admire, inspire and support one another. I wanted to us to take nothing and turn it into everything. To me, this would bind and unite us. This would give us the stories we would tell our children and grandchildren. This would give us history to look back on and laugh and cry about when saying, 'remember when...'. I wanted to travel the world with this man. I loved the idea of  leaving everything behind and traveling to foreign places as we struggled for months at a time working small time jobs just to experience the culture of new places. These thoughts haven't left me. I wanted this so badly. Clearly, this is NOT how my life turned out. 

I have only myself to blame.

It's crazy to think of how differently things would be if I had only done this instead of that, turned left instead of right, said no instead of yes, followed the example of this person instead of that one ... I used to say I don't regret anything, I just try to learn from it. Though I do learn from my past choices, I realize now that I do in fact regret some of them. I should have made better decisions in a lot of different circumstances. I also should have been LESS responsible at times and just went for it! I held back when I should have gone full force and I pulled the trigger when I should have run! Hind site, eh? 

Being single with a 5 year old is now my life. I've had several relationships that have all ended. I have no long history at this point to be able to look back on and laugh at with the one person who would get it. It's weird. 

Dating now is not the same as dating in my 20's. Back then I was a young, carefree, social butterfly that lived a different life style. It was easy, breezy and fun! I loved it. Now, I'm a mom. I am focused solely on my daughter. My life revolves around what her needs and wants are. Dating wasn't even a serious thought to me for years and now that it is, I am seeing that the dating game is completely different. MOST people in their 30's have - for the most part - figured out who they are and have established their way of life. They have a career, they have kids, they have drama with the ex(s) ... blah, blah, blah. They are either looking for their soulmate or have decided they will never again take that route. At this point, we have all had our first love, given our hearts to "the one" and given our all to that relationship/marriage. I feel that I will never be able to have that with anyone from this point forward. We will never be a "first" for each other. Yes, we can make new memories and love and laugh and have a great life, but to know that those special "firsts" went to someone else is a hard realty to accept. But that's just it - it's reality. Bummer.