And The Award Goes To ...

This girl. She is doing so well and thriving in school. She comes home and has the same responses as every other kid when I ask her about her day - "I don't remember." "Nothing." "I don't know." The reality is, she has fun while she's there, she has lots of friends that adore her and she is learning things I can't take credit for! She received a Be Kind award and an award for being an outstanding citizen at school! These are moments that make us both smile. She knows how proud I am of her and her sweet smile proves that she is proud of herself! I just adore her. 

Be Kind Award

Super Citizen Award

Her wonderful teacher, Ms. White. 

Another Baby

Yep, that's right, I now have a little man in my life. After almost 6 years with it being just me and Ryiah, we have welcomed this tiny little angel into our home. He is a bright light and a joy for us to be around. He is our little foster boy.

 There was a situation that caused this little boy to end up with CPS and that just wasn't going to work. This little boy is family. Though he is not blood and I had never actually met him prior to fostering him, he is still a baby that I knew of and was not willing to turn my head. His brothers are my blood nephews. After my brother and his wife split, she had this little guy with another man. So how could I let the baby go into the foster system and not be around for his brothers to love? It wasn't an option. My whole family stepped up and was willing to take this on. We didn't know how it would turn out, but the state decided that I was a good fit for him and he was handed over. It was not planned for more than a few days so we had to move quickly to get things set up. As I committed to take this baby boy into my home and life, I was under the impression that, as a foster child, the state would provide financial support for diapers, formula and day care. I was informed that was not going to happen. They only provide support to licensed foster parents and if you are considered family, you are on your own! This got me a bit stressed. I sat on that for a day and struggled with what I would do about that. I had taken this on and had to figure it out. With some encouragement from a couple friends I decided to post about it on Facebook. I was hoping that anyone that was already getting rid of baby things anyway could think of me and donate it to me instead of the trash or GoodWill. The response from my close friends as well as those I only know through FB these days, was more than I could have asked for. So many people were so quick to reach out with helping hands and kind hearts. It shocked me at how many people were willing to do whatever it took to help get us set up. To know that many people cared about this little child that they didn't know was unbelievable! I spent the next week and a half crying tears over the love of others.

 Heart and mind ---- Blown

 So about the little guy - He is 10 months old and as cute as can be! His dimples match those of his mom and brothers. When I first took him in my arms from the foster mom he had been with for a week and half prior, he was scared and unsure and seemed overwhelmed with his life having such a dramatic change without his consent! He didn't make much noise. No crying. No babbling. No laughing. He looked exhausted. His skin was rashy red and his eyes were sad. The foster mom told me he had a mild cough that started the night before. So not only was he sad, but he was sick as well! His mild cough turned into a horrible croupy cough by the end of his first day with me, so we started things off at Urgent Care. Not what I was expecting. The next several days were spent running from one corner of the valley to the other. We were collecting things and had appointments and work and on and on ... There was no resting and not a ton of time for bonding since we were on the go for 4 days straight! We finally made it to the 3 day weekend and I decided I wouldn't leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary. I wanted this perfect little person to have the chance to settle in and understand that he got to stay with us and be loved and nurtured and cared for. I wanted him to learn his new surroundings and have the opportunity to be at peace for the first time in 3 weeks!

 So at home we stayed.

In our comfies we stayed.

With each other we stayed.

 I tried to establish a routine so that his eyes and mind could rest easy. Each day he warmed up to me a little more. He allowed me to get a little closer. He was opening up to the love I had to offer him. His smiles got real. His dimples deepened. His eyes brightened. And then, he was reaching for me. He was crying for me. He was hugging and kissing and loving me. We connected. He felt safe.

 He is a happy little boy.

What about Ryiah? How does she feel about all of this? How is she coping? How is she with the baby? Well - she is beyond thrilled! All Ryiah has wanted since she was 2 years old was a baby brother or sister. Once she realized all of her friends kept having additions to their family and saw that they got to care for a little sibling, she has begged me for one! Being that I could not provide her with that as a single momma just trying to get through, this has been such an exciting adventure for her. When I sat her down to talk about it before I knew if we would get him, I asked, "What do you think of this? How would you feel if we took him in for a little while?" She responded with, "It would be like a dream!" So with that we moved forward. She has been such a huge help! She does diapers and bottles and midnight checks when he wake her with his cries. She tries to do it all. There have been moments that have been hard as well. Ryiah is starting to understand how much time and attention babies need. Her feelings have been hurt by my attention being on him over her at times. She is also realizing that her role as a "big sister" is taking up some of her play time! She will play with him for a few minutes and then ask, "Can I go do my own thing now?" Haha! Over all she is so good with everything. She is the best.

 How am I? How do I feel about all of this? How am I coping? Well - I mean, I will be crazy honest here - to go from an almost 6 year old who is very independent and capable of doing most things on her own to a 10 month old who is 100% dependent on me is tough! Ryiah and I have a system and work pretty dang well together. So throwing baby in the mix has been a huge adjustment! People have always asked, "Isn't it so hard to be a single mom? I don't know how you do it." I have never considered my role as a single mom to be difficult. I have always just done it and been fine. Obviously I have my moments, but overall I am okay with it. I honestly didn't know why people considered it to be hard on me. Then I got a 10 month old. To have two mouths to feed and bodies to clothe and hearts to warm and tears to dry ... there is double the amount of things to clean up, grocery bags to carry, trips from the house to the car and back again for things I've forgotten ... I am starting to understand how great it would be to have an extra set of arms - someone to hand one child off to while I did all the before mentioned things and then some. Let's not even talk about the lack of time I have for myself! I was just beginning to train for the SoCal Ragnar in April. I haven't run once since little face got here. I walked out the door three days in a row without brushing my teeth because I forgot or didn't have time (don't worry, they were brushed later in the day). I have skipped appointments, work, dates, showers, sleep and meals. My cuticles are trashed and my heels are dry because I'd rather fall onto my bed after finally getting things done for the day than take 5 minutes to moisturize! I got a total of 2 hours of sleep last night and I am taking that as a win considering the 3 nights prior I got less than an hour! I have projects to work on that I haven't even looked at. There is little food in the house because the thought of not only going to the store but then having to carry the groceries in is – well - inconceivable to me right now. Lol! So yes, now I get the "it's hard as a single parent" statement. Not that I didn't ever consider it to be hard for others, it just never was for me with Ryiah.

 In the end, the joy that this baby boy has brought into our home is beyond words. I love to see him light up when he sees me, because the feeling is mutual. We do not have any idea how long we will get to be with this baby boy as the situation in unclear at this point. I am not trying to focus on a length of time, though. I am loving him in the moment. Each day we get to spend with him we will count as a blessing in our own lives and I can only hope we are making a difference in his. I'm sure he is doing far more for me than I am for him. With the sleepless nights and endless bottles (btw - bottles blow) comes a genuine happiness.

 

We will love him as long as we get to!

 

2015

2015 ... wow. Two thousand fifteen!!! It's a little insane to think of that even being possible. This year I'll be working on personal growth more than I did in 2014. I let so much go this past year - things I believe in, things I hold dear, things that make me a better person. Why do we do that? Why do we willing not do what's good for us? Silly.

Here's to being better - a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt, a better friend and a better human being to those passing by. I hope to smile a little brighter, listen a little better and hug a little tighter. 

Happy New Year to us! 

Another Year

Another birthday down. This past year has been good to me. After several years of being dependent on others due to circumstances, I was finally able to get back on my own two feet and, once again, become the independent person I truly am. 

At this point in my life ~

·         I am independent 

·         I am strong minded

·         I know my strengths and weaknesses 

·         I live in the grey most of the time - not because I can’t choose one or the other, but because I don't want to. I like both sides of most things and want to be balanced by knowing and having a piece of both.

·         I still cannot cook. I still lack the desire to.

·         I've learned ever more so this year about true acceptance of people that you cannot change. I've learned that I can change myself and my attitude toward the things I cannot change and that changes everything for the better!

·         I am thoughtful and considerate and have always been the kind of person to go out of my way for others. I have learned that sadly that is a rare quality and most people do not have it. 

·        This year I have struggled in an area and in a way that I have never struggled before. This is an area I truly wish I wasn't in the grey and that I saw very clearly black or white. Unfortunately, I don't and it has made things very difficult for me. I'm striving to overcome.

·         I have gotten to a point where I am comfortable with my body and do not obsess over the vanity of it all. When I was younger I wanted to look good for the world, as I get older I want to be beautiful in a more balanced sense. It’s for myself at this point and no one else.

·         As a mom of a 5 ½ year old little sassy pants, I am learning that my example exceeds my words in most cases. What I say can have zero impact, but what I do can leave a lasting impression in her sweet and innocent mind. She is very observant and misses nothing. She notices things I am oblivious to and then brings it up later leaving me to realize that I need to be conscious of my actions at all times.

My coworker, Jamie, made me the yummiest cupcakes! She knows my favorite is lemon and she ran with it. They were called Lemon Drops and they were fantastic! 

I went to see Wicked with Julie and Annie Friday night at The Smith Center. It was my first time there and my first time seeing Wicked. The venue is beautiful and the show was fantastic!

Saturday afternoon Jamie, her sister and I went to Wine and Design. This is always so much fun! You don't have to be artistic whatsoever and your picture will still turn out awesome! We had a lot of fun.

A "feel good about your body" apron. I'm going to need this just to wear around the house so I can look in the mirror and love my thighs! Lol

 

I didn't paint the sweet, little couple on mine because I knew that there was NO WAY it would turn out. I quit while I was ahead. Their pictures came out great though!

First Time For Everything

Ryiah came down with a stomach bug! I've never dealt with this, ever. Not with her and not with myself. My poor girl was up last night throwing up every 45 minutes - everywhere. Sheets, clothes, carpet, rugs, hair, me ... it was everywhere. She got through it like a champ, but it was a sad site. 

Happily we got a day together, sadly it was spent like this ---

And she's at work with me today!!! Yes, in her same comfies as yesterday. I pick my battles. 

5 Days of Fun

 Ryiah had 3 days off of school for staff development so I decided what heck! I'll take the days off as well and we'll have some fun!

 

FIRST  DAY - MYSTERE

Mystere! It was Ry's first show ever and it was AMAZING! Ryiah loved it so much. Out of everything we did in our 5 days of fun, this was by far her favorite. I hadn't seen it since I was young so it felt like my first time as well. She loved the big, fat baby (he's actually a grown man dressed up) that came out every so often. She was so observant and saw some of the tiniest details from the costumes to the guys she saw backstage. She left saying she wants to be in a circus but knew there was probably no such thing a school for the circus. After telling her she could be one of those performers if she really wanted to by sticking with gymnastics and trying her hardest, she pepped up with a spark of hope on her eyes.

 

 

SECOND  DAY - THE  BEACH

We took off to Cali the next morning. Our plan was to hit the zoo first, but since we left a bit late, we decided the beach was the better option. When I told my friend we were going to hit the beach, she pulled her daughter, McKenna, out of school and we swooped her up! She and Ry are such great friends. They share a birthday and are little besties when they are together. It worked out perfectly.

 

THIRD DAY - THE  SAFARI  PARK

Ryiah led the way! She took charge of the map and did an excellent job! She knew where we were at all times and which direction we needed to go. The Safari Park was awesome! The African Tram was was fun. It takes you out over the "plains" and the tour guide describes the different families of animals that you see. We both enjoyed that. It took us a couple tries to find the elephants because I was leading at that point - LOL- Ryiah pulled out the map, corrected my mistakes and finally got us to where we needed to be.  

FOURTH  DAY - RiSE  FESTIVAL

This was THE  MOST  MAGICAL  THING  I'VE  EVER  SEEN!!! There were 10,000 people there and 20,000 lanterns lifted into the night sky. The mood set by the low lights and music playing made it one of the most romantic and peaceful things I've experienced. My friend Melissa went with us and we had a blast. We all wrote our wishes, hopes, dreams and thoughts on our lanterns before lifting them into the sky. Ryiah wished for rainbows, $158 and love from heaven. :) It was incredible. I hope to be able to do it again next time!

FIFTH  DAY -  PUMPKIN CARVING

We hung out with the cousins and got messy. The kids thought it was disgusting to dig the guts out, soooo guess who did most of that? Good thing I don't mind it! 

7 Days of Gratitude

Day One

I'm thankful for my camera on my phone. Without it, I would have no memory of ... anything. 

I'm thankful for my job. It allows me to support myself and my daughter and gives me the flexibility to be with Ryiah as much as possible. 

I'm thankful for people that are smarter, more talented, prettier and more driven than me. I love to be inspired by others. At times I can feel a bit envious, but then I realize that without better people I wouldn't have anyone to look up to and wouldn't strive to be better! Better people keep the world in motion.

Day Two 

I'm thankful for my bed. So thankful.

I'm grateful to have been brought up in an LDS home. Even with my inactivity, my questions, my hesitation to this or that, my mistakes and my every day choices that do not fall in line with the Gospel - I am so so so grateful to have it in my life and to have the knowledge that I do. I am thankful that I have a softer side to me because of it. I'm thankful for the principles that it teaches. I am grateful for the peace and reverence that I feel when hearing words that I know are true. I am beyond thankful for repentance and the process it takes to get there. I am thankful to have a place to go to and people to talk to when I need it the most. I don't utilize the Gospel the way that I should I take it for granted and I push it to the side more often than not. The amazing thing is that it has always been there and will always be there and is never changing. The Gospel has never left my heart and I am grateful for that.

I'm thankful for my body. I am healthy and able to do what I want. I think that's pretty rad!

Day Three

I am thankful for my little "mouse house" as Ryiah calls it. It's not big, but it's just right for me.

I am thankful for cloudy days. LOVE LOVE LOVE cloudy days.

I am thankful for Mexican food. Mmmmm.

Day Four

I am overwhelmed with joy by others' happiness. I know how totally corny that sounds, but I truly am. I tear up and get so incredibly happy when others are genuinely happy. I love to see others smiling uncontrollably. I'm grateful for genuine joy in others.

I am thankful for sunrises and sunsets. Dusk in by far my favorite time of the day. I love when I am able to use that moment to just stand still and love it. I really try to be silent and reflective when the sky is on fire.  

 I am thankful for Pharrell. He is so kind hearted, humble and sincere. I love the example he sets and the nature he has about him. Love him.

 Day Five

 I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some free agency. I am so grateful to know that I have my agency. I am free to choose this way or that. I know what I've been taught and what others want to see me do and the direction others want to see me take - but to know I get to choose for myself is so fantastic! I love that I can just say "because that's what I want to do".

 I am thankful for the "other side of the story". I like that there is two sides to every story and that I am open to hearing and seeing both. I have always been able to be open minded and know that it's not only "one way or the highway".

 I am grateful for music. I love the emotion that comes over me when something hits home.

 Day Six

 I am thankful for my parents and all they have done and continue to do for me. Parenting is no joke.  

I am thankful for people that are great at math. Numbers mean as much to me as monkey poo. I love that others just get it and can keep this world moving forward because they don't fail to understand how numbers work. If the world was full of minds like mine - life would have ended in the years of the cavemen.  

I am so grateful for medicine! I love natural goods and pharmaceuticals! If I can't fix it with a sniff of oils and a dab of apple cider vinegar - knowing I can move on to morphine and antibiotics is a great stress relief.  

Day Seven

I am thankful for funny people and humorous moments. Laughing to me is the most important thing in life. If I could find someone who made me genuinely laugh through the good and bad moments - I'm pretty sure it would last forever.

I am thankful for people that slap me with realty. The raw truth of whatever it is I am asking them about. Sugar coating things has never settled well with me. I can see through it and it doesn't help me. To better myself I need to know what only a true friend or a true stranger is willing to tell me.

Ryiah. Everyone knows this. I am grateful for this old soul in a tiny body that teaches me daily and reminds me of what is important in life. She is always going to keep me in line and make me realize  that I am not here to control her or anything else in life - I am only here to help her strive to be her best self. I need to do less talking and more guiding in the right direction by being quiet and listening. She is truly my guiding light. She continuously brings me back to the realization that she is her own person and I have to allow her to be so. I love her and am thankful that she is better than me in every way.